So, I'm excited to go to Maryland to hang with my brother and sister-in-law (and their dog) for a few days before going to see my family in NC for Christmas. Amongst other reasons (aforementioned dog) I am excited because they are both really into food (so is the dog, actually, but she has an undeveloped palate). My brother is more of a sophisticated chef than I am and likes to play around with recipes and cooking methods and, especially, inexpensive ingredients.
Which brings us to the H-Mart located on Georgia Ave. in Wheaton, MD.
Ah, the H-Mart.
The H-Mart is a specialty Asian import grocery store. You can find all sorts of vegetables virtually unheard of in English-speaking America as well as authentic Asian food items, rice noodles, seaweed wrappers, whatever the hell else they eat over there. But the greatest thing about the H-Mart is the price of their meat. It seems that all their beef, chicken, and pork items are listed at rediculously low prices.
But this is NOT to say that a trip to the H-Mart won't cost you.
Have you ever seen the videos of the factory farms they have set up for chickens being raised for the express purposes of slaughter? Just baby chickens everywhere, stepping all over each other, aimlessly wandering, confused...That is what I picture in my head when I think of the H-Mart, masses of confused people aimlessly meandering around. Trying to get through the parking lot alone is enough of an experience that most could license the rights to Hollywood for the story.
Maneuvering your car around the virtual sea of people (?), yeah, I will call them people, is an exercise in skill. Throw all the miserable, MISERABLE, DC Metro area drivers that try to navigate the lot (blindfolded, apparently) into the mix, and you essentially become part of a Van Damme action movie.
Like I said, a trip to the H-Mart could cost you, heavily at that. So when deciding whether or not to go there you really have to weigh out the risk/ reward analysis.
So, this year for the holidays I will be very excited to see the dog (god, I love that dog) but I may forever be spiteful and angry at my brother when he starts cooking up a delicious holiday meal and I, inevitably, hear him ask "Hey, could you run over to the H-Mart and pick up some 'insert meat product here'."
What an asshole...
I love that dog.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Built for the Hobo in all of us
I feel dirty. Not dirty meaning perverted. Well, I often feel perverted, so I guess I don't feel exceptionally perverted. I mean I feel like I am covered in dirt. Yes, it IS because of the grocery store I recently had the opportunity, and I WILL refer to it as an opportunity, to shop at.
Though I am a native of the surrounding area, I have not spent a terrible amount of time in Passaic, NJ. Sure, I went to the Loop Lounge once, we've all made mistakes, right? But most of my experience in Passaic has been highway driving in between Clifton and other parts of Clifton. But recently I discovered the nearby FoodBa$ics and decided to stop in to pick up a few essentials.
FoodBa$ics is the store they opened so they could sell all the shit that fell off of the trucks making deliveries to A&P. So, you are inundated with dented Americas Choice cans of soup and mildly bent cardboard boxes of Crispy Rice cereal. This is fine by me, as I don't enjoy spending more than $.68 for a can of chicken broth.
You also have the unique opportunity,and YES I will AGAIN call it an opportunity, to load up on anything manufactured by the companies "Tampico" and "Bimbo."
I do feel that there are certain rules you have to abide by when shopping at the FoodBa$ics. It is tantamount to items you can order at the diner. Sure, that stock photo of the salmon fillet LOOKS delicious, but you probably shouldn't risk the possible effects that Greasy Spoon fish will have on the human body (ironically, Corned Beef Hash is an acceptable, and encouraged, option).
FoodBa$ics Rules
A BW Charter:
1) DO NOT BUY MEAT
2) DO NOT BUY PRODUCE
3) OVERLY COLORED "JUICE'-LIKE PRODUCTS ARE OK, BUT CARRY A CERTAIN SOCIAL STIGMA THAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO CARRY
4) DO NOT TOUCH THE OTHER CUSTOMERS (despite the overwhelming desire you may have to ram them repeatedly with your shopping cart)
5) GET IN, GET WHAT YOU NEED, GET OUT (the staff doesn't want yo there any more than you want to be there)
So, as long as we are all able to abide by these few simple, easy to follow, rules, shopping at FoodBa$ics in Passaic should be a relatively pleasant experience for us all. Stick to non-perishables. Don't hassle the locals. DO bring cash, because afterwards, you will probably decide you want to hit up Platinum Dollz located caddy-corner...yes, I am telling the truth
-BW
P.S.
I'll leave you here with a thought...not grocery related.
I am sure you will agree that it sounds absurdly crazy:
"Hey, let's go to the strip club...in Passaic...that is darkly lit...on a side street."
Somehow I doubt they are able to pull out the A-Team there
Though I am a native of the surrounding area, I have not spent a terrible amount of time in Passaic, NJ. Sure, I went to the Loop Lounge once, we've all made mistakes, right? But most of my experience in Passaic has been highway driving in between Clifton and other parts of Clifton. But recently I discovered the nearby FoodBa$ics and decided to stop in to pick up a few essentials.
FoodBa$ics is the store they opened so they could sell all the shit that fell off of the trucks making deliveries to A&P. So, you are inundated with dented Americas Choice cans of soup and mildly bent cardboard boxes of Crispy Rice cereal. This is fine by me, as I don't enjoy spending more than $.68 for a can of chicken broth.
You also have the unique opportunity,and YES I will AGAIN call it an opportunity, to load up on anything manufactured by the companies "Tampico" and "Bimbo."
I do feel that there are certain rules you have to abide by when shopping at the FoodBa$ics. It is tantamount to items you can order at the diner. Sure, that stock photo of the salmon fillet LOOKS delicious, but you probably shouldn't risk the possible effects that Greasy Spoon fish will have on the human body (ironically, Corned Beef Hash is an acceptable, and encouraged, option).
FoodBa$ics Rules
A BW Charter:
1) DO NOT BUY MEAT
2) DO NOT BUY PRODUCE
3) OVERLY COLORED "JUICE'-LIKE PRODUCTS ARE OK, BUT CARRY A CERTAIN SOCIAL STIGMA THAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO CARRY
4) DO NOT TOUCH THE OTHER CUSTOMERS (despite the overwhelming desire you may have to ram them repeatedly with your shopping cart)
5) GET IN, GET WHAT YOU NEED, GET OUT (the staff doesn't want yo there any more than you want to be there)
So, as long as we are all able to abide by these few simple, easy to follow, rules, shopping at FoodBa$ics in Passaic should be a relatively pleasant experience for us all. Stick to non-perishables. Don't hassle the locals. DO bring cash, because afterwards, you will probably decide you want to hit up Platinum Dollz located caddy-corner...yes, I am telling the truth
-BW
P.S.
I'll leave you here with a thought...not grocery related.
I am sure you will agree that it sounds absurdly crazy:
"Hey, let's go to the strip club...in Passaic...that is darkly lit...on a side street."
Somehow I doubt they are able to pull out the A-Team there
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Gather round, kiddies, its story time
Do you know where the greatest grocer of all time is located? New York? L.A? Tuscanny? NO, MOTHER FUCKERS!!! The answer is...Memory Lane.
and by memory lane I obviously mean right off of the Garden State Parkway...in Clifton...on Main St.
Thats right, bitches, the greatest grocery store of all time is Corrado's A Family Affair. This wonderful, heavenly food vendor has been aroung forever and has become an institution for just about every Northern New Jersey Native.
Corrado's A Family Affair is a grocery store that specializes in authentic Italian imports as well as locally grown produce. As a full-grown adult who not only is forced to scrimp and save but also loves eating cheese in excess, I have found that every trip to Corrado's A Family Affair is a near tear envoking experience.
I say that it's located on Memory Lane because my grandfather was a sadist. Poppop was born and raised in Paterson and would go to Corrado's A Family Affair as a child. Therefore, as children we were forced to tag along when he would go shopping. We would twist and turn through the aisles, avoiding shopping carts controlled by tiny Asian women who could hardly utter more English than "Heeeeeeyaiiiiiii!!!"
There it was...mere steps away from the cheese counter (FYI, .70 lbs of imported Brie for a mere $3.44). The normally lovable and inviting butchers case was obviously a magnet for me and my family. But something was off about this glass-crowned mausoleum of deliciousness. It was not filled with beef chops and magnificent cow's blood, no. This case had a far more sinister visage.
Staring back at me were nearly half a dozen rabbits...HALF A DOZEN SKINNED, DEAD, WITH RABBIT EYEBALLS STILL IN THE SOCKETS, rabbits! It's my earliest memory of almost vomiting at the mere sight of something (Two Girls, One Cup was still years away, but I think I laughed more at that).
I spent the better part of two decades believing that the only reason we had to go to Corrado's A Family Affair was because Poppop got such a rediculous kick out of watching the grandkids squirm and freak out in public. OH HOW WRONG I WAS!
Last year I moved back to Clifton and re-familiarized myself with this wonderful, wonderful grocer. My jaw dropped when I noticed how inexpensive the produce was. $.99/lb for all sorts of Apples OUT OF SEASON! Peppers, Fresh Basil, Blackberries, all saving me a ton of money over your standard grocer.
The cheese, OH THE CHEESE! I have already mentioned the brie, but also the fresh mozzarella, Monterey Jack with chipotle...cheese louise!!!
The canned tomatoes were imported from Italy and taste better than any can of any vegetable. Stuffed peppers for $.99. I would imagine that if Dante were alive today and made a trip to Corrado's A Family affair then I bet he would have reworked The Divine Comedy to include all sorts of Tutto Rosso products.
I went there today and bought a Christmas gift for my brother. No, fools, not a skinned rabbit, he isn't so lucky. Instead I was able to buy him a 4 lb log of Pork Roll...I'm leaving the price tag on it, as I bought the whole god damned hunk for $3.92
Check out the website at http://www.corradosmarket.com/
It isnt the same as making a trip to the store, but it will give you a good idea of the type of product offered. And, dear God, if you are ever in the area stop in and buy some fucking cheese!
and by memory lane I obviously mean right off of the Garden State Parkway...in Clifton...on Main St.
Thats right, bitches, the greatest grocery store of all time is Corrado's A Family Affair. This wonderful, heavenly food vendor has been aroung forever and has become an institution for just about every Northern New Jersey Native.
Corrado's A Family Affair is a grocery store that specializes in authentic Italian imports as well as locally grown produce. As a full-grown adult who not only is forced to scrimp and save but also loves eating cheese in excess, I have found that every trip to Corrado's A Family Affair is a near tear envoking experience.
I say that it's located on Memory Lane because my grandfather was a sadist. Poppop was born and raised in Paterson and would go to Corrado's A Family Affair as a child. Therefore, as children we were forced to tag along when he would go shopping. We would twist and turn through the aisles, avoiding shopping carts controlled by tiny Asian women who could hardly utter more English than "Heeeeeeyaiiiiiii!!!"
There it was...mere steps away from the cheese counter (FYI, .70 lbs of imported Brie for a mere $3.44). The normally lovable and inviting butchers case was obviously a magnet for me and my family. But something was off about this glass-crowned mausoleum of deliciousness. It was not filled with beef chops and magnificent cow's blood, no. This case had a far more sinister visage.
Staring back at me were nearly half a dozen rabbits...HALF A DOZEN SKINNED, DEAD, WITH RABBIT EYEBALLS STILL IN THE SOCKETS, rabbits! It's my earliest memory of almost vomiting at the mere sight of something (Two Girls, One Cup was still years away, but I think I laughed more at that).
I spent the better part of two decades believing that the only reason we had to go to Corrado's A Family Affair was because Poppop got such a rediculous kick out of watching the grandkids squirm and freak out in public. OH HOW WRONG I WAS!
Last year I moved back to Clifton and re-familiarized myself with this wonderful, wonderful grocer. My jaw dropped when I noticed how inexpensive the produce was. $.99/lb for all sorts of Apples OUT OF SEASON! Peppers, Fresh Basil, Blackberries, all saving me a ton of money over your standard grocer.
The cheese, OH THE CHEESE! I have already mentioned the brie, but also the fresh mozzarella, Monterey Jack with chipotle...cheese louise!!!
The canned tomatoes were imported from Italy and taste better than any can of any vegetable. Stuffed peppers for $.99. I would imagine that if Dante were alive today and made a trip to Corrado's A Family affair then I bet he would have reworked The Divine Comedy to include all sorts of Tutto Rosso products.
I went there today and bought a Christmas gift for my brother. No, fools, not a skinned rabbit, he isn't so lucky. Instead I was able to buy him a 4 lb log of Pork Roll...I'm leaving the price tag on it, as I bought the whole god damned hunk for $3.92
Check out the website at http://www.corradosmarket.com/
It isnt the same as making a trip to the store, but it will give you a good idea of the type of product offered. And, dear God, if you are ever in the area stop in and buy some fucking cheese!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Because you need my opinion
Where do I begin...
I love food. It is, simply put, the greatest thing on Earth. I don't care who you are...this is not my opinion. This is simple fact. Ask ANY scientist. I will assure you that every old, bearded, pipe smoking man holding a beaker while in a lab coat can point you to data which indicates that food is, above all else, the greatest thing on Earth. And I am sure that there are theories that it is the greatest thing in the Universe...or, at least thats what the mathematical evidence points to.
The greatest foods are as follows:
1) Cheese
2) Bread
3) Sandwich
4) Pizza/ Coffee (tied)
5) Chocolate/ Peanut Butter Combo
Don't try to nitpick with me about this.
"But cheese is ON pizza...but bread and cheese MAKE UP a sandwich"
Shut up, you sound like a bitch and I do not have time for this. These are, hands down, the best foods...in order.
So I guess it goes without saying that there are few things I enjoy more than going to the grocery store. Even if I don't buy anything I find that roaming down the aisles or staring at deli meats is more entertaining than ANY field trip I have ever been on, and that is saying A LOT because I remember having a HELL of a time at Jockey Hollow in Morristown.
So, I now have a blogger account and a resolve:
To give the reader an in depth analysis of grocery stores/ food specialty stores while showing them that my opinion as to whether or not visiting said stores is worth the time and money is the ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS!
(I used Veranda font to get my point across)
I will, on a semi-regular basis, come up with an analysis of the food stores and judge them based on no particular criterion. That criterion may or may not be based on the following:
1) Quality of product being sold
2) Price of product being sold
3) Availability of product I am looking to purchase
4) "Ickyness" of store
5) "Ickyness" of other food store patrons
6) "Ickyness" of food store employee(s)
7) Convenience of store location
8) Other, non-food related variables contributing to my mood that day (ex. amount of gas in my tank, whether or not I found a mystery dollar in my freshly washed/not washed at all pants)
9) Annoyance of in-store music being played
So, I don't want arguments. As I have indicated above, my opinion is the end all/ be all and any argument you may present is not only a waste of my time to read but also a waste of your time to write.
So long as we accept and live by these simple guidelines I am sure we will all have a tremendous time with my blog. Tell your friends. They could use someone like me in their lives!
In the meantime Bon Appetite!!!
I love food. It is, simply put, the greatest thing on Earth. I don't care who you are...this is not my opinion. This is simple fact. Ask ANY scientist. I will assure you that every old, bearded, pipe smoking man holding a beaker while in a lab coat can point you to data which indicates that food is, above all else, the greatest thing on Earth. And I am sure that there are theories that it is the greatest thing in the Universe...or, at least thats what the mathematical evidence points to.
The greatest foods are as follows:
1) Cheese
2) Bread
3) Sandwich
4) Pizza/ Coffee (tied)
5) Chocolate/ Peanut Butter Combo
Don't try to nitpick with me about this.
"But cheese is ON pizza...but bread and cheese MAKE UP a sandwich"
Shut up, you sound like a bitch and I do not have time for this. These are, hands down, the best foods...in order.
So I guess it goes without saying that there are few things I enjoy more than going to the grocery store. Even if I don't buy anything I find that roaming down the aisles or staring at deli meats is more entertaining than ANY field trip I have ever been on, and that is saying A LOT because I remember having a HELL of a time at Jockey Hollow in Morristown.
So, I now have a blogger account and a resolve:
To give the reader an in depth analysis of grocery stores/ food specialty stores while showing them that my opinion as to whether or not visiting said stores is worth the time and money is the ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS!
(I used Veranda font to get my point across)
I will, on a semi-regular basis, come up with an analysis of the food stores and judge them based on no particular criterion. That criterion may or may not be based on the following:
1) Quality of product being sold
2) Price of product being sold
3) Availability of product I am looking to purchase
4) "Ickyness" of store
5) "Ickyness" of other food store patrons
6) "Ickyness" of food store employee(s)
7) Convenience of store location
8) Other, non-food related variables contributing to my mood that day (ex. amount of gas in my tank, whether or not I found a mystery dollar in my freshly washed/not washed at all pants)
9) Annoyance of in-store music being played
So, I don't want arguments. As I have indicated above, my opinion is the end all/ be all and any argument you may present is not only a waste of my time to read but also a waste of your time to write.
So long as we accept and live by these simple guidelines I am sure we will all have a tremendous time with my blog. Tell your friends. They could use someone like me in their lives!
In the meantime Bon Appetite!!!
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